Who Are You? And What Have You Done With My Husband?…

weekend

It was six weeks since Thursday that I began the keto diet. My doctor’s appointment Thursday afternoon confirmed my suspicions that my sugar levels were normal.  My doctor was thrilled that I was off my Omeprazole.  My weight was down 14 pounds. However, as I also suspected, my cholesterol was high although not as high as I thought. It was the exact same number as 6 years ago when I last had it checked, not heart attack high, but higher than they liked it.  The triglycerides were good, HDL was good, it was the LDL which was high. We discussed the keto diet, my former numbers and will check again in six months to see if it goes down.

My husband wanted to drive me to my appointment. He worked later then came home for dinner.  He joined me on the couch to cuddle and watch TV.  I had a Hallmark Christmas movie on and expected him to change the channel to a basketball game, but he didn’t. When I asked him why he was leaving the movie on, he said he knew I wanted to watch it.  What? Who are you?

Marc’s birthday was Friday and he invited a couple of friends over, so I had to straighten out the house and get some things I needed for home-made pizzas and allergy free (dairy, egg) cake.  Marc had a great time entertaining his friends. It was an early night and by 9:00 everyone was gone. My husband called and said he’d be home and we could watch another Hallmark movie. WTF?

I had been talking with my daughter and she was able to arrange to come for a visit after learning my husband was going with Danny to a school related club tournament all day on Saturday. I dropped my husband and Danny off at 7:30am and my daughter arrived an hour and a half later. She showed me her gorgeous engagement ring and we discussed some of her wedding ideas. While we’ve spoken by phone, I hadn’t seen my daughter since the big blowout with my husband a year ago. She has no desire to see him.  But we had a wonderful day together.

This morning my husband planned for us to get our Christmas tree. I told everyone we had to wear Santa and elf hats. My husband refused which was totally predictable, but when we got to the Christmas tree lot, he wore his Santa hat and even posed for a couple of pictures.  Again, what has happened to my husband?

I have to say, sitting here with a glass of wine, I am so grateful for such a fun-filled, stress-free weekend and for the considerate, affectionate and agreeable stranger filling in for my husband!

 

 

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Dolly’s Favorite Things…

The Santa’s Favorite HO bottle came up on my Instagram feed this morning.  I spent a couple of minutes googling Skank and Whore gift ideas and came up with these favorite things for that person we’d most love to throat punch or slam into a brick wall…

 

Happy Friday!

“Broken”…

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This post has been circulating on Facebook recently and crossed my feed today. I am not one to wear my religion on my sleeve. I believe what I believe and keep it mostly to myself. It doesn’t bother me when others are more public in professing their faith.  But whether or not this was made up or not, I found it to be quite an inspiring story with a pertinent lesson for all of us.

I was in Dollar Tree last night, and there was a lady and two kids behind me in the LONG line. One was a big kid, and the other one was a toddler. The bigger one had a pack of glow sticks, and the toddler was screaming for them. The Mom opened the pack and gave him one which stopped his tears. He walked around with it smiling; but then the bigger boy took it, and the toddler started screaming again. Just as the Mom was about to fuss, the older child bent the glow stick and handed it back to the toddler. As we walked outside at the same time, the toddler noticed that the stick was now glowing; and his brother said, “I had to break it so that you could get the full effect from it.”

I almost ran, because l could hear God saying to me, “I had to break you to show you why I created you. You had to go through it so you could fulfill your purpose.”

That precious child was happy just swinging that “unbroken” glow stick around in the air, because he didn’t understand what it was created to do – which was “glow”.

There are some people who will be content just “being,” but some of us that God has chosen… we have to be “broken.”

We have to get sick.

We have to lose a job.

We go through a divorce.

We have to bury our spouse, parent, best friend, or our child…

In those moments of desperation, God is breaking us. But… when the breaking is done, we will be able to see the reason for which we were created. So when you see us glowing, just know that we have been broken but healed by His Grace and Mercy!!! ❤💛💜

Me First…

 

 

After cooking all day on Thanksgiving, and working around the house on Friday, I was happy to have the opportunity to steal a ride on the bike path Saturday while the boys were at their volunteer job.  Autumn has hit hard with record cold and there is no more color on the path other than some red berries.

Regardless of being a colder than I anticipated, I managed an almost 15 mile ride. The first 10 were pretty uneventful.  I scoured the woods looking for some wildlife to photograph, but none were about other than a few ducks and Canadian geese.

I spotted the fox along the train tracks with about five miles left on my ride.  I got off the bike, grabbed the Nikon and went up to the fence separating the railroad tracks and fox from the bike path.  As I approached the fence, he started walking away, so I began talking to him and when I whistled, he stopped and looked at me.  After a couple of shots, he moved farther away and I whistled again. He turned back and looked again.  I have never seen a fox in the wild, so cool.

About another mile away, as I climbed a small hill, I spotted a buck relaxing by the railroad tracks below.  Once again, I climbed off my bike, grabbed the camera and walked a few dozen feet to try and get a clear shot.  The buck saw me, and I thought he might run away, but he appeared to be uninterested in my presence. I called to him and he turned, looked for a minute, then just turned away. I was thrilled to see him!

I wish I re-discovered my bike before the weather turned so cold.  I hope I get a few more rides in. I never realized how much I missed it during the past two years. Living with the effects of infidelity really took its toll on all aspects of my life.

My husband’s infidelity has taken quite a toll on me, from loss of self-confidence to neglecting my health (weight), and neglecting my passions.  It’s been two years and three months and way too long. While I have been putting much effort into rebuilding the marriage, it’s time I rebuild myself…

Holiday Dieting…Willpower

Dieting during the holidays is normally hard for me. But yesterday, Thanksgiving was my third complete week into the Keto diet. Other than the stuffing and apple pie, I ate everything (small portions) on the menu without throwing myself out of Ketosis.

We had a beet salad with arugula, beets and olives. My grandmothers frittata was perfect for keto, meets, cheeses, eggs and no carbs.

I only had one stuffed mushroom. Ritz crackers are low in carbs and with the bacon, onion, mushroom and scallions stuffing, I figured one was less than 5 carbs.

I had a small piece of turkey, ham and a little butternut squash with no seasoning. I had green bean casssrole. A serving of the French fried onions was only 5 carbs and the cream of mushroom soup and milk are keto friendly.

I made fresh cranberry sauce with truvia which was low carb as well.

And some champagne…

Didn’t even miss the stuffing!

So at three weeks, I’ve lost 12 pounds. I haven’t taken my IBS medication, Omeprazole, in 2 1/2 weeks. I am assuming my glucose levels are down. And I was pleasantly surprised when I looked in the mirror this morning. Since my 30’s, I’ve always had dark circles under my eyes. I thought they looked lighter past few days, but this morning it was very obvious. Also my skin is less dry, probably from all the MCT oil, olive oil and all the fat I’ve been eating. 😂🙄. My hair has also been more greasy after a day of not washing it, however, there are less hairs coming out when I brush it.

Next week I have to go for my bloodwork before my checkup. The only thing I have concerns about is my cholesterol so we’ll see how that goes…

Truth or Consequences…

We betrayed have all pretty much had experience with trickle truth. Trickle truth, getting bits and pieces of the story down the road after initial denials sets us back every. single. time.

They cheated. We find out. We ask for details. We feel like we know some of the answers. They deny. We move forward. Then out of the blue we find out something new, something we had suspected but were told we were crazy to think that. That never happened they say.  And then it did. More lies. More erosion of the fragile trust that may have been rebuilding. Back to square one.

A new blog has been started by a woman who cheated on her husband.  Her husband is having a hard time believing her because of trickle truth. She is looking for an answer to the following question.

This trickle truth thing has been going on a year now. I know what is running through your mind. If your sorry why are you still doing the trickle truth. Well heres your answer. I am not. The problem is since I didn’t come clean in the beginning my husband has seen the call logs and has come up with some pretty crazy scenarios in his head. Most of which never took place. I will never convince him of that. So my question to you, when you are confronting your spouse do you really want the truth or do you want to hear your version of the truth? The problem is I won’t admit to what he thinks happened when it didn’t. We are talking about particular things in the grand scheme.

When I confronted my husband, I had already poured through months of cell phone bills. I highlighted the hundreds of cell phone calls.  The call logs pinpointed the locations of the calls as well. When he was at the skank’s house, I could see the calls that came in and went out from her location.  He would call her when he arrived at her house, and she’d call him after he left (puke).  So when he said they hadn’t seen each other too long, or he was working, I was like WTF, how could you be working, you were constantly on the phone with her.

I asked him how long it was going on. He said only about 3 months, from when I went to the beach in June until I found out in September. We had our family vacation in August and he didn’t see her that much then. But the phone calls started in November the previous year and amped up in March.  He said it wasn’t until spring.  When I hit him with the phone bills, he said I told you it was spring. (I considered June spring, not March).

But they never had sex. They kissed and messed around but no intercourse.  I didn’t believe him. I went for STD testing. Everything was negative, He kept denying to the point I actually thought it was possible that although they ‘made out’ and spent a lot of time together, his high moral code kept him from having sex with her. And then, nearly a year later, he had a herpes outbreak.

I was livid. The kids were in the house. I went outside on the deck and calmly asked, “How many times did you fuck her?” He said two.  I can’t even remember the rest of the conversation except he said he was coming right home. We went for a ride so as not to discuss around the kids. I remember screaming at him. I had told him what a fucking whore she was. I had stalked her Facebook page. She was the one with the burner phone. She had fucked some Swedish guy she met on a cruise. Sweden has the highest rate of STDs. She was not little miss virgin who never slept with anyone except her husband. And that mother fucker husband of mine still defended her because she is a nice girl who had a shit bag husband.  (Oh really?).  I forgot how it was brought up but I started telling him about her white trash friend Anna and he slipped. He said he met her. And another friend.  Who? Maria? Lisa? It was Lisa. I said she lived next door.  He asked how I knew. I said I told you I checked out her Facebook.  I know more about her than you do… I was furious. You embarrassed me by schmoozing with her friends? They knew you were married. You humiliated me. 

Well these little jewels of trickle truth, previously denied then divulged in May caused me major anxiety into June when I went to the beach. It culminated in an argument with my husband on the phone. I told him I was done and was going to refile for divorce. I texted that fucking skank and told her she could have him and I commented on one of her public Facebook posts a ton of stuff, including the fact that she gave him herpes. It took us a few months to get through all the shit that occurred, from the lies, to my text and posts to the skank to the fragile trust that was rebuilding and now shattered. Again.

Every betrayed spouse has things they want to know in order to put things behind. Not everyone wants details, some do. I wanted details, not how many times a night or what positions, but I wanted to know if it was often and was he in love with her.  I wanted to know where he went with her. Did anyone I know see them together.  When I asked about the sick amount of phone calls and he downplayed it, I didn’t believe him. He didn’t know I knew all I did, so I knew he was lying when he said it wasn’t frequent. Then when he did know what I knew, the story evolved. They were just talking. They were just friends. She was going through a divorce and he was helping her out with the legal stuff.  Then she knew he and I were going through a rough patch, so they were commiserating together.  She told him stories of how her husband was negligent as a husband and father, yet she was abusing alcohol and marijuana. She put in her interrogatories that her husband had a little dick. (Court records are public records, you just have to go to the courthouse and pull the file).  When he had the herpes outbreak, they only slept together twice.  After we got past our family vacation that August, I still didn’t believe him that it was twice and another argument ensued. He stuck to intercourse being two ‘sessions’ but admitted to trying other times when he couldn’t get it up. I have to say now, two years later, I still don’t really believe that, but I am at the point of it had happened, does it matter if it were 2 times or 10 times? Does it really make a difference?

Onelostgirl, I don’t know your details. I don’t know what your husband feels he needs to know and why he feels you are lying to him if you truly honestly answered his questions. I don’t think telling him what he wants to hear if it’s not true is the answer. At this point, if you both want to reconcile, you need to be truthful.

So my husband still believes that I am lying to him and that I must not really love him. He has now conjured up in his head that I must not have really loved him ever because how could I do what I did and have ever loved him.

Onelostgirl, the above quote is really not far-fetched. It is a question I asked my husband repeatedly. It’s hard to believe he ever loved me if he could betray me so cruelly, no matter how bad our marriage was at the time. Stay married and work it out, or get divorced. Cheating is a devastating option.  His feelings and thoughts about you not ever loving his is a normal question of us betrayed.  I may be over-reaching, but it’s a question I think all of us fellow betrayed have asked once or a hundred times.

So what do I do? Do I admit to what he thinks happened even if it’s not true? Or do I stand my ground? If I stand my ground we will be over. If I admit to more lies what good does that do. Or in the grand scheme does it matter if I admit to what he thinks happened to make him feel better even if it never happened?

Fellow betrayed, what do you think of onelostgirl’s question? Admit to things her spouse wants to hear or stick to the truth?