We betrayed have all pretty much had experience with trickle truth. Trickle truth, getting bits and pieces of the story down the road after initial denials sets us back every. single. time.
They cheated. We find out. We ask for details. We feel like we know some of the answers. They deny. We move forward. Then out of the blue we find out something new, something we had suspected but were told we were crazy to think that. That never happened they say. And then it did. More lies. More erosion of the fragile trust that may have been rebuilding. Back to square one.
A new blog has been started by a woman who cheated on her husband. Her husband is having a hard time believing her because of trickle truth. She is looking for an answer to the following question.
This trickle truth thing has been going on a year now. I know what is running through your mind. If your sorry why are you still doing the trickle truth. Well heres your answer. I am not. The problem is since I didn’t come clean in the beginning my husband has seen the call logs and has come up with some pretty crazy scenarios in his head. Most of which never took place. I will never convince him of that. So my question to you, when you are confronting your spouse do you really want the truth or do you want to hear your version of the truth? The problem is I won’t admit to what he thinks happened when it didn’t. We are talking about particular things in the grand scheme.
When I confronted my husband, I had already poured through months of cell phone bills. I highlighted the hundreds of cell phone calls. The call logs pinpointed the locations of the calls as well. When he was at the skank’s house, I could see the calls that came in and went out from her location. He would call her when he arrived at her house, and she’d call him after he left (puke). So when he said they hadn’t seen each other too long, or he was working, I was like WTF, how could you be working, you were constantly on the phone with her.
I asked him how long it was going on. He said only about 3 months, from when I went to the beach in June until I found out in September. We had our family vacation in August and he didn’t see her that much then. But the phone calls started in November the previous year and amped up in March. He said it wasn’t until spring. When I hit him with the phone bills, he said I told you it was spring. (I considered June spring, not March).
But they never had sex. They kissed and messed around but no intercourse. I didn’t believe him. I went for STD testing. Everything was negative, He kept denying to the point I actually thought it was possible that although they ‘made out’ and spent a lot of time together, his high moral code kept him from having sex with her. And then, nearly a year later, he had a herpes outbreak.
I was livid. The kids were in the house. I went outside on the deck and calmly asked, “How many times did you fuck her?” He said two. I can’t even remember the rest of the conversation except he said he was coming right home. We went for a ride so as not to discuss around the kids. I remember screaming at him. I had told him what a fucking whore she was. I had stalked her Facebook page. She was the one with the burner phone. She had fucked some Swedish guy she met on a cruise. Sweden has the highest rate of STDs. She was not little miss virgin who never slept with anyone except her husband. And that mother fucker husband of mine still defended her because she is a nice girl who had a shit bag husband. (Oh really?). I forgot how it was brought up but I started telling him about her white trash friend Anna and he slipped. He said he met her. And another friend. Who? Maria? Lisa? It was Lisa. I said she lived next door. He asked how I knew. I said I told you I checked out her Facebook. I know more about her than you do… I was furious. You embarrassed me by schmoozing with her friends? They knew you were married. You humiliated me.
Well these little jewels of trickle truth, previously denied then divulged in May caused me major anxiety into June when I went to the beach. It culminated in an argument with my husband on the phone. I told him I was done and was going to refile for divorce. I texted that fucking skank and told her she could have him and I commented on one of her public Facebook posts a ton of stuff, including the fact that she gave him herpes. It took us a few months to get through all the shit that occurred, from the lies, to my text and posts to the skank to the fragile trust that was rebuilding and now shattered. Again.
Every betrayed spouse has things they want to know in order to put things behind. Not everyone wants details, some do. I wanted details, not how many times a night or what positions, but I wanted to know if it was often and was he in love with her. I wanted to know where he went with her. Did anyone I know see them together. When I asked about the sick amount of phone calls and he downplayed it, I didn’t believe him. He didn’t know I knew all I did, so I knew he was lying when he said it wasn’t frequent. Then when he did know what I knew, the story evolved. They were just talking. They were just friends. She was going through a divorce and he was helping her out with the legal stuff. Then she knew he and I were going through a rough patch, so they were commiserating together. She told him stories of how her husband was negligent as a husband and father, yet she was abusing alcohol and marijuana. She put in her interrogatories that her husband had a little dick. (Court records are public records, you just have to go to the courthouse and pull the file). When he had the herpes outbreak, they only slept together twice. After we got past our family vacation that August, I still didn’t believe him that it was twice and another argument ensued. He stuck to intercourse being two ‘sessions’ but admitted to trying other times when he couldn’t get it up. I have to say now, two years later, I still don’t really believe that, but I am at the point of it had happened, does it matter if it were 2 times or 10 times? Does it really make a difference?
Onelostgirl, I don’t know your details. I don’t know what your husband feels he needs to know and why he feels you are lying to him if you truly honestly answered his questions. I don’t think telling him what he wants to hear if it’s not true is the answer. At this point, if you both want to reconcile, you need to be truthful.
So my husband still believes that I am lying to him and that I must not really love him. He has now conjured up in his head that I must not have really loved him ever because how could I do what I did and have ever loved him.
Onelostgirl, the above quote is really not far-fetched. It is a question I asked my husband repeatedly. It’s hard to believe he ever loved me if he could betray me so cruelly, no matter how bad our marriage was at the time. Stay married and work it out, or get divorced. Cheating is a devastating option. His feelings and thoughts about you not ever loving his is a normal question of us betrayed. I may be over-reaching, but it’s a question I think all of us fellow betrayed have asked once or a hundred times.
So what do I do? Do I admit to what he thinks happened even if it’s not true? Or do I stand my ground? If I stand my ground we will be over. If I admit to more lies what good does that do. Or in the grand scheme does it matter if I admit to what he thinks happened to make him feel better even if it never happened?
Fellow betrayed, what do you think of onelostgirl’s question? Admit to things her spouse wants to hear or stick to the truth?