Checking In…

keep-calm-i-m-still-here-4

I haven’t written in a while.  So, in a nutshell, here’s what’s gone on in Dolly’s world for the past month…

We’ve just wrapped up April vacation here, which wasn’t quite a vacation for my two sons who spent a 33 1/2 hour week in Driver’s Ed classes.  They weren’t happy about it, although both have their learners’ permits…

Marc had an outburst at school shortly after I wrote about the skank’s reaching out on St. Patrick’s Day weekend.  He was suspended for three days until the special ed team could meet and put additional strategies/accommodations in place. We had several extra therapy and psychiatrist appointments and it was a stressful couple of weeks and included three additional school meetings.  Add taxiing both kids to chess, track practices, Driver’s Ed classes along with a spring cleanup in the yard, things got pretty hectic here.  It was therapeutic for me to let off some steam with the physical work and I love to be outside.

Therefore, I haven’t spent a lot of time on Twitter but for following the posts from our tribe, usually when I am waiting for someone in the car!  I read the blogs, sometimes respond to the tweets, getting angry, sad and happy for my tribe.

And for the past few weeks, as I read through everyone’s stories, progress and frustrations, I began pondering the stark differences from my own journey.  Many have gone through multiple D-Days. Some are dealing with sex addicts. Others have husbands who have had long term affairs. Most felt their marriages were good, they were supportive wives/husbands and the affairs came out of the blue.

Those stories aren’t mine.

My marriage was miserable. We should have just filed for divorce and had our finances been better, one of us probably would have. My husband and I were both culprits for the marital demise.  We neglected each others’ needs, lost the ability to effectively communicate and basically just existed in the same house together.  We argued constantly over every little thing. Neither one of us liked the other. I would drive the kids to school for years, come home and be frustrated because he was still there.  If he left for work and I came home, I’d be relieved he was gone.

When an old boyfriend came back in the picture, I seriously gave a thought to ‘reconnecting.’  To be clear, I wasn’t out looking for anything and ultimately, nothing happened. But given the right circumstances, it could have. Same with my husband. He didn’t go looking for an affair, the skank slithered in when her own husband filed for divorce and took advantage of our rocky situation. In his case, the opportunity did present itself and things did happen.  Would I have done the same?  I very well might have.

My husband has repeatedly stated he never went looking for someone else nor would he have ever cheated had we not been where we were. It was said matter of factly, not thrown at me as if it were my fault. And I know my husband well enough to know he is telling the truth.

We’ve both owned our responsibility for the marriage breakdown. We have discussed the affair many times and realize how things got so bad, resolving to each other we would never go down that path again. Two and a half years past D-Day, I can honestly say that I am happy.  I hadn’t been happy for a long time.  It feels good…

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Solidarity…

 

Saturday night was a ‘date night’. My husband and I have been going to a local restaurant on Saturday nights for the past few months. We’ve become friends with one of the bartenders and enjoy sitting at the bar, chatting with D, chatting with each other and sometimes running into people we know.

We were able to get out early last night to secure our favorite seats at the end D’s side of the bar. By 8:30 we were pretty much finished with a couple of drinks and a light dinner.  Paul, the other bartender remarked that it was early for us. My husband didn’t think so.  I agreed with Paul and said we left just after 10:00 last week. My husband still disagreed. So I showed him the photo of the skank’s text which I took at 9:31pm.

He gave me that look. That, I can’t believe you did that look. “Did you post it?.” I pulled up the text I sent her and showed him.  Dead silence…for a minute. A little more chatting with D and we picked up the car from the valet.

When we got in the car he said, ‘It looks like I showed you.’   (duh)  “That was the point.”   He said she probably passed out and didn’t even see the text. (how pathetic). I said maybe she saw it quickly and thought it was him responding as our cell phone numbers are the same except for the last digit.  I told him I know he wants to ignore her, but I am sick and tired of her shit. Enough is enough. And perhaps being ignored by him isn’t enough, maybe she needs to hear it from me. He considered my point of view but contended that she still may reach out again in a drunk text.

I had a hair appointment earlier in the week. Both my close friend Linda and our hairdresser immediately stated what I had been thinking, ‘Now she knows he’s showing you the texts and that you are closer than she thought.”  They both felt it may deter her.

She believes (and even said as much once) that I “won’t let him talk to (her)”.  She figures by reaching out after some time that he will return to their ‘friendship’ even though all of us involved know her true motives.  He would never show me his phone because he would never ‘betray’ her friendship. Most importantly, she frequently stated to him “She will never get over this,” following up with her invitations for him to stay with her.

However, with my response, there was now no speculating of whether or not he got the message, ignored the message, or was ‘not allowed’ to respond to the message. He wasn’t hiding the contact from me, waiting until the coast was clear or enough time had passed to resume their friendship. I wasn’t posting vague posts days after a former contact had been made, with her speculating I found it only by spying on the phone bill and not by my husband’s admission.  I swiftly and definitively texted her back, with a photo of the text and a short but sweet, ‘get a life skank. friendship’s over.’

We still disagree regarding her reaching out.  We’ve discussed blocking her to the point I demonstrated what would happen by blocking my number. He seriously considered it until phone calls went directly to voice mail and he said she’d know she was blocked.  He told me not to contact her directly but after I showed him, he saw my logic behind my immediate response to her text. Perhaps our ‘teamwork’ will be the final push she needs to stop…

 

 

 

 

What to Do…

I started writing a post yesterday afternoon.  I was a little irritated with my husband as well as the skank. I had read the comments on Poking The Bear  including one that suggested I ask him to call her with me there and shut her down.  However, a comment from one of my Twitter family agreed with his perspective that ignoring is best. My husband believes she will never go away. He says it’s her personality and that she will continue to reach out to try and get him back.

He’s right. Trust me, I know you want to reach out in justification and righteousness…..but that just brings the drama back. Ignore it, it will eventually go away. You’re pulling the drama back by engaging. I was stuck in that cycle too for awhile.

‘Healing Soul’s’ comment gave me a bit of flexibility in my anger towards him for refusal of action.  I still do not agree with this.  It’s been 2 1/2 years since she’s received her walking papers.

So now I’ve been thinking about how to handle things. I can get to his phone at some point and block her number. But I don’t think I want to do that.  I want her to send another text. I will not instigate, but I will respond. I actually dreamt about it last night and have penned out a draft below.

D said you weren’t the brightest bulb, but I didn’t think you were this stupid. How long does he have to ignore you before you get the hint. It’s over. What happened happened. He told you not to call, not to text, not to come by. And for God’s sake, don’t have your mother stop by. Do you know how desperate and pathetic that looks?  Tell me, how is mommy dearest? Are she and C still swinging? D used to tell me about how she would talk about their adventures at the office.  I can see where you came from. It appears the skank doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When we went to your wedding, I got a kick at what a cunt you were to me. My husband and I felt bad for your husband to be as we both knew you offered to call off the wedding if my husband would go out with you. But he wanted me and told you to marry Stephen.  Poor Steve, he didn’t know you were settling to him, a meal ticket, because the one you ‘loved’ D, loved me.  And D brought me to your wedding. We were secretly laughing about it the whole time and got a great picture of us kissing.  Poor Stephen, he filed for divorce when you had been telling everyone, including my husband what a horrible husband he was; cheap, a lousy father and he only had a little dick.  Maybe his dick wasn’t that little, maybe it just felt that way because you let yourself turn into a fat slob.

It was so thoughtful of you to send that lovely music mix, ‘it’s a great year for music’.  When we played it and got to Swalla, my husband said, ‘why did she send that? She doesn’t swallow.’

The friendship is over Kimba. Reconciliation 101 states 2 main conditions regarding the AP (that’s you, affair partner) – No contact and full disclosure to the spouse. Every text, every call, every visit to the office. He tells me. I revel in your desperation. I enjoy how pathetic you are. You told my husband I’d never get over it, but you’re the one who hasn’t and that knowledge is so satisfying.  Seeing you wallow in your misery gives me immense pleasure. Seeing your inability to move on warms my heart.

revenge.jpg

No more legal advice for you skank, hire C. F. for you personal injury needs. Call your white trash enabling friend Anna to set you up with an attorney from her office when your contractor is screwing you out of money. My husband is no longer on your retainer.

It’s been nice reminiscing, but as my husband is done with you, so am I – and the kids are as well. They know who you are and WHAT you are – herpes whore. You sent my husband a text saying ‘you said your wife was psycho, is this one of her moments?’ Fact is, my son saw your ‘like’ on my H’s FB page and said, ‘WTF is SHE doing here.’  No one in this family, including my husband wants anything to do with you.

Move the fuck on. Get a life you pathetic skank and stay out of our lives. No contact. No calls, no texts, no visits. Otherwise you will continue to give me the amusement of watching you suffer.  Karma baby. God is letting me watch…

 

I thought about the few words I texted Saturday night and perhaps it will scare her off for a bit. Hopefully she hasn’t blocked my number and I will have the opportunity to send this text.

Poking The Bear…

skank text.jpg

The skank texted my husband. First time since July 5, 2018.  In all honesty, I shouldn’t be surprised because I had actually been poking the bear.  I posted a few things on both Instagram and Facebook to see if she was still stalking my pages.  In a way I hoped for a reaction to my stirring of the pot. I wasn’t quite expecting my own reaction.

We were having a nice Saturday night out. Our friend was bartending and I was engage in a lively conversation with another couple at the bar while my husband was watching the last period of the Bruins game.  He went to use the men’s room when the text came in.  I immediately took a photo of the text as he was walking back and handed him the phone.

“Well, isn’t this interesting”, he commented uncomfortably.

No asshole, it’s not interesting.

I was pissed.  I didn’t want to make a scene so I kept my emotions sort of under control. Once we got in the car, I told him I should respond which is when he just about forbid me to do anything.  I told him he did what he did and he couldn’t tell me how to react or what to do or not do.  And he said something that he shouldn’t…”If you hadn’t done what you did, I never would have gone there.”

While he has taken responsibility for the most part for his actions, he can’t bear to admit his fault in totality for the affair.  When push comes to shove, he still blames me. And while I have admitted my share of the fault in the demise of the marriage, I fucking HATE the excuse that ‘if I didn’t do what I did, he never would have gone there.’  I felt the same way about our shitty marriage but I didn’t cheat.

That comment was all I needed.  After our heated conversation and his ‘suggestion’ I put a smile on my face for the kids, we walked into the house.  The boys wanted more food and we joked with them about our ‘date night’.  My son said, ‘how many drinks did you have?’. I said one drink and one wine. He laughed and said that was two drinks.  As I made them a huge wedge salad with left-over fresh baked bread from last night, I texted the skank back from my phone.

Will she text him back?  So far she hasn’t. She hasn’t responded to me either, although she is too chicken shit to do so.

And what the fuck is that grimacing face all about?  Fucking cunt.

It’s 12:3O am as I am writing this post.  I am so livid that I can’t get to sleep.  I just took a Xanax so hopefully it will kick in soon .  I poked the bear, so I do have to take some responsibility.

On another note, I got served today because of credit card debt. I have 20 days to respond and will have to file for bankruptcy. I had a pretty decent eBay business but when my mother in law became sick and my husband basically didn’t work to take care of her, I had to pay all the bills and let the credit card balance pile up.  I never recovered from that, nearly seven years ago although they made their money and then some from the interest I paid.

I had always said that I would never tolerate cheating.  If you cheat, you’re gone.  Yet when faced with that scenario, I stayed.  There were a lot of considerations taken in this decision.  I did realize I loved him. But maybe love isn’t always enough.  There were the kids and finances.  It’s almost 3 years later.  My older son is going to be a senior in high school.  I will have to file for bankruptcy, but then will be debt-free.  Maybe this stain of infidelity won’t wash away.  Maybe it can with the right attitudes and effort.  My husband makes a good effort, but his attitude sucks when the shit hits the fan. Don’t make excuses.  I accepted my responsibility for marital problems.  Accept yours.  Do NOT blame me for your affair with that skank.

We’ll see what the morning brings.  I have a few projects for this spring and once the bankruptcy is done I may have to re-evaluate the whole situation.  Maybe a fresh start is something to consider.

 

 

WTF is Wrong With Me (Probably Nothing Other That I am a Bitch)…

 

Infidelity sucks. The whole thing sucks. The actual infidelity which we didn’t know about. The D-Day. The triggers.

Many of you following my blog are betrayed spouses.  A few are the betrayers. We are all humans. Some of us royally fucked up. Some of us are bearing the brunt of the fuck ups. We all have our paths to navigate through this shit show of betrayal.

It is 2 1/2 years since D-Day and my husband and I are in a totally different place now. We’ve created a new relationship, a new marriage.  We still argue about stupid stuff and are still irritated by some of things we each do, but our communication is on another plane than before.  We are able to keep the little things from becoming big things.  We enjoy each other’s company and I notice my husband staying home after dinner more often than not rather than going back to the office to catch up at night.  He moans and groans that he needs to go back to do an hour or two of  work, but ends up cuddling on the couch with me and the boys, with us so comfy that we all fall asleep.

Regardless of the progress we’ve made, that herpes whore skank is still a thorn in my side. And yes, part of the reason is because I allow it. I can be obsessive at times and her mere existence just gets on my every last nerve. The fact that for two years after my husband told her not to call/text, she continued to call/text every month or so really pissed me off.  When my husband didn’t respond, she sent her mother by the office only he wasn’t in.  The skank was most likely in the car and that pisses me off. The fact that my husband wasn’t forthcoming at first to disclose contact in order to not rock the boat severely  pissed me off. The fact that she was behind the scenes for 25 fucking years pisses me off.    The fact that she enjoyed my pain pisses me off. Her existence pisses me off.  Yet the thought of her in misery, unhappy and alone guarantees a smile on my face. Seeing a picture of her looking as ugly as ever, also makes me smile.

Her absence has been nice, but suspicious. She hasn’t called, texted nor stopped by my husband’s office since July.  However I am sure she will reach out, perhaps when she feels she’s given him some time before trying to rekindle the friendship.

The trigger that got me started on her happened a few weeks ago, coming to fruition last night.  My husband has a small rental space in the front of his building which recently became vacated.  He had a few people interested in the space and wound up renting to a small business which carries pet items.  Skankipoo has a dog.  As soon as they committed to to the space, I immediately thought about the herpes whore stopping by the office with the excuse of checking out the store.

She recently changed her profile picture on Facebook.  She is so gross normally, but makes it worse by heavily filtering her photos.  The real photo or edited one are cringeworthy on both counts.  Many say to not look at the whores’ social media pages and that doing so is counterproductive to us.  After all, it was our spouses who made the choice to cheat.  We should be holding them accountable and not the sluts/whores/skanks they cheated with.  True, yet these lowlives who knew about the spouse and still participated in the cheating don’t get a free pass from me.  She knew he was married, wanted him from decades ago, and pursued him, ultimately taking advantage when he was at a weak point in our marriage. And that pisses me off.

Perhaps staying off these skanks’ social media is a good idea.  But I realized that it wasn’t true for me.  I looked deeper into my motives yesterday, which led me to the discovery that I look to revel in her misery.  Yes, I am a royal bitch. I want to see her suffer.  To be clear, I can’t see her posts. She locked down her Facebook two years ago, changing her public settings to just friends.  However, I am able to see comments/likes on some of her friends’ and family’s posts. From these, I can see a pretty unhappy person.

For example, her kids both moved to Florida before the holidays. She was none too pleased according to a short conversation with a friend when he left a comment on her profile picture. All her family was there, she was the last one here. (So move, skank). Her ‘best friend’, trailer park trash Anna, tagged her on an article regarding how strong women would rather be alone than with an asshole. Poor Kimba. She must have been commiserating that she was still alone.  Perhaps she’s alone cuz no one wants to be with her drunken, high, fat, ugly ass.  I was amused to note that after unfriending her ex-husband when the divorce started, she has now re-friended him and frequently comments on his posts. Maybe she’s having second thoughts?  They ‘babysit’ each other’s dogs, how sweet.  He was such a monster according to the sob stories she fed to my husband, yet here they are, looking mighty friendly. And did I mention they live across the street from each other? Could there be some regrets about giving up her meal ticket? The skank is a 53 year old alcoholic pothead with several mental health conditions and no job. While she got her house and some money in the divorce settlement, it is not nearly enough to take her through retirement.

This afternoon, after an enjoyable morning spent with my husband after having drinks with his new tenants last night, I mentioned to him the high probability of her using that business as an excuse to drop by.  He couldn’t believe I thought about that saying that is about the last thing in the world he would have thought of.  He also said he understood how it could be on my radar.  We spoke a bit about her contact or rather lack of contact. He assured me again that she hasn’t tried, even saying maybe that last exchange (initiated with that DJ’s song mix she texted him) scared her off.  After all, she thinks I’m a psycho… 😈😂😉😘

 

 

 

Tomorrow’s Our Anniversary…

Our anniversary is actually not much of a trigger for me.  I’ve written many times that our marriage was pretty much in the shitter for a few years prior to my husband’s affair. I read many of stories about how some that reconciled got new rings or renewed their vows.  But me?  I put my ring back on.

Things were bad with us and I was the one who stopped wearing my ring. To be clear, I never wore it while riding my bike or doing any kind of physical work because my fingers would swell, especially in the summer.  But then I got in the habit of just not wearing it all. I didn’t feel married and in reality, I was planning my get-away, feeling out job opportunities, considering renting a house permanently at the beach, starting an online business or just faking it until the kids graduated high school.  The only time I would wear my ring was when my husband and I were out, usually with the kids. We always had good family times, but throughout those few bad years, we were horrible as a couple.

Tomorrow on February 19, 2019 we will be married 19 years.  I was planning on making a nice dinner at home and we were thinking of opening a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne that a friend of my husband’s gave us for Christmas a couple of years back.  However, some work issues cropped up this weekend and my husband had an unexpected kink that he has to deal with tomorrow.  I’m thinking our celebration may end up being postponed a couple of days.

The only infidelity issue I have with our anniversary is a card. We’ve always exchanged cards though now I search a little more harder. I am more discerning as I can’t in good conscience give a card with words that I find insincere. The ones that say how he’s always been there through the good and the bad… Well, we know that’s not exactly true.

But at the end of the day, we’ve both put a lot of effort into rebuilding our marriage and I can’t image not having him by my side. He expresses the same sentiments and I believe his sincerity.

So tomorrow I guess we’ll just go with the flow, do what he needs to get his work done and play dinner by ear…

What’s On TV?…

12.png

 

Netflix is my latest addiction as I wrote in my last post.  While having my hair colored in December, my stylist told me about a show on Netflix that I ‘must’ see called Schitt’s Creek.  With its fabulous ensemble, this comedy of from riches to rags is right up my alley.  Four seasons are currently on Netflix while the 5th season is airing in Canada currently. Can’t wait to see for Season 5 to come out here.

I also watched You, a psychological thriller about a stalker.  I watched the first three out of ten episodes on a Friday night while the kids visited their grandparents, and the rest the next day while my son was at an academic tournament and the other was working on a homework essay.  This show sucked me in right from the previews. Heart pounding, suspenseful and not quite as predictable as you may imagine.

Grace & Frankie is delightful, boasting another all star cast including Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston. While it does deal with infidelity, both Grace & Frankie became divorced because their husbands were cheating with each other, I thoroughly enjoyed the performances of the core cast as well as others who cameo’d in the series.

11.jpg

In the 80’s, I read Ann Rule’s book on Ted Bundy so when the Netflix series Conversations with a Killer was released at the end of January, I watched that one too.

Russian Doll popped up as a suggested watch after just being recently released on February 1.  I watched the preview and decided to give it a shot, proceeding to watch the entire series one day while the kids were in school.  The plot is similar to Groundhog Day in that Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) keeps dying.  She needs to find out why and the show keeps you riveted until the end.  I LOVED this show.  It’s a quick fix, and if you haven’t seen it, give it a shot!

I’m currently immersed in Dexter and am into the middle of season 3.  I laugh at Deb’s foul mouth, she’s as bad as I am!

11.jpg

The other show I’ve been binging is Arrested Development, only nearing the end of season 1 so far.  I never watched either show during their prime time stints because I couldn’t always catch up, but with Netflix, I can watch when I want or am able.

Wentworth, The Crown, Orange is the New Black, and Weeds are a few that I know are popular, yet I tried watching all of them all (except Wentworth) and was not impressed.  In spite of loving Natasha Lyonne’s performance in Russian Doll, I was not able to get involved in Orange is the New Black. Maybe I will give it another try sometime.

So what are you watching?