But…

While I feel I’ve turned the corner of this infidelity highway, yesterday I was running errands and I began ruminating again about a chance meeting with the skank. She had been visiting her family for the holidays, but should be returning any day, if she already hasn’t.  Moisy’s latest post over at Making Things Better got me thinking as well.

What struck me about Moisy’s journal entry was her friend asking if she was sure her husband was right for her, if maybe she could be happy with someone else.  As Moisy stated, how do I keep staying if it is forever going to be tarnished…”  

This struck a chord with me as I have asked myself the same question. We have created a ‘new’ marriage. Communication is better, and frankly everything is better.   But. He. Cheated.

This fact will always be the black spot of our marriage. It will fade, but will never go away.

At this point in my journey, this line of thought surfaces when I know someone who lost a spouse after years of marriage. It’s happened with a couple of my friends parents over the past few months and even while watching a movie on occasion. You hear the eulogies on how committed they were, how they went through the good and bad times and still came out together. They speak of the long lives led as husband and wife, how they lived up to their vows, how they’ve been an example to their children on how to live their lives honorably and sacrifice for their families.

During those times, my mind wanders to what they’d say about my marriage when one of us goes first. “She was the love of his life” (then why did you cheat asshole). “He was a loving husband” (except for the 4 months he was fucking a skank whore). “They were married for (many) years and supported each other through the good times and the bad” (except for the really bad time when he fucked a whore rather than deal with his wife).

We will be married 19 years next month. Valentines Day is also next month. We always exchange cards. I can say that even now, with things almost back to ‘normal’, it has gotten harder to pick up an appropriate card when they say things like “…together we’ve built something to be proud of – a solid relationship…”  …”remembering the ups and downs we’ve weathered…”  …”the love of my life…’

And when I hear these eulogies, or read these words in cards, I struggle with the fact that I have a hard time swallowing the sincerity of them, Because. He. Cheated…

 

 

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6 thoughts on “But…

  1. I feel exactly the same way. Wh would be mortified if he knew this. He’s really done the work for the last few years, but I don’t feel like he’s my soul mate or any of the other flowery stuff. I’ll never feel that way about anyone. He took that away from me for sure. I would be very uncomfortable if he called me the love of his life, he’s treated me worse than he’s treated anyone. I really relate.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Card shopping is worse than shopping for a bathing suit in terms of my self-esteem these days. It’s as if every single one I pick up and read just highlights what I’ve lost (or what I thought I had but didn’t) and will never get back. By saying that, I’m not even suggesting that we can’t rebuild a great relationship… I’m just saying that all of the “faithful” “protector” “love of my life” stuff is a bit meaningless. So are the “love everything you do for our family” and the “best person to share my life with” cards. I can’t get into those when he actively and intentionally undermined our family and hurt me deeply.

    He was the love of my life. It didn’t stop him from cheating. He says our relationship is the most meaningful one he’s ever had and that I am the love of his life. It didn’t stop him from cheating. His cheating does, however, stop me from feeling that gushy, effusive, can’t admire him enough kind of love. It’s not that I thought he was perfect. We all have flaws. I just thought that we were perfect together. I feel like he dashed that myth.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. That damned black spot! I recall talking sbout this so clearly in our first couples counselling. How it ‘ruined everything.’

    Later I found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helped. You pack more good shit around the stain.

    And somehow learn to accept that it will never leave.

    Sending love x

    Liked by 2 people

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