Suspicions; Fact or Fiction…

 

Let me give you a little insight as to how I dealt with this phone issue over the past couple of days. I convinced myself the skank got a new phone number, that he was hiding her contact from me and then I ended up picking a fight with him over something small and not relevant to the true issue.  Because of my ‘irrational’ behavior, he didn’t notice my attempting to look at his phone.

I don’t do well with waiting. Patience is not one of my virtues. After thinking about things all morning, I decided not to wait and would confront my husband when he came home for a late breakfast.

He dropped the kids off at school this morning and went in early to the office. I did some cleaning, ran a few errands, and returned around noon. He came home shortly after.  I told him I needed to apologize for arguing with him and that I had been triggered. I said I had gone online on Friday night to check on Mark’s texts and saw one of his as well with the 439 number. I asked him point blank if the skank got a new number.  He said no, she hasn’t contacted him and stated “I told you I would tell you if she did.” (good sign).

I admitted to him that I got it in my head it was either her or a friend of hers after seeing the 439 number and figured he would tell me on Saturday when we were alone together, but he didn’t, so by Sunday morning, I was really ruminating about it. I said I felt like he was lying by omission, and that maybe she meant more to him than he has admitted if he was trying to keep up their ‘friendship.’  At this point he started laughing at the fact I had already decided the number had to do with the skank.

During this conversation I told him I had a hard time dealing with the fact she hasn’t reached out since July.  Dripping with sarcasm, I informed him her life sucked and I couldn’t believe she didn’t attempt to cry on his shoulder. He asked what I meant and I told him her kids moved to Florida. I got the look.  “You’re not still checking her Facebook are you?”  I said, “No, I told you I blocked her. I looked on her ex-husband’s page. It’s public.”  I got the look again.

He stated, “You enjoy her pain”.  (ya think?)  “And you’re right.  She probably will reach out, she’s probably miserable. Maybe she’ll move to Florida too.”

“One can only hope. Her father is there, her brother is there and now her kids. One big happy family, all in the same place.  And her mother is in Arizona.  She’s all. by. herself.  Living across the street from her ex-husband.  Boo hoo hoo.”

“She can’t stand her father.”

“Oh really? I guess she liked him when he paid for her cruise that he went on with her when she met the short, fat Swedish homuncular with the French beret. Oh, and her cell phone is registered to him.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’m very thorough… And she’s living across the street from her ex with him prancing his new girlfriend around. Before I blocked her, she commented on one of his posts to get some blinds.”

“Yeah, I don’t get that. But she said she can’t see his house from her house.”

She lied Einstein. Why would she comment to him to get blinds then?”

He then informed me who it was that called on Friday, a client, again saying he knows how important it is for him to disclose if the skank contacts him.

And that was that.

Post D-day, I will admit my suspicions get the best of me at times, turning a formerly normal situation into a secret tryst with the skank. It has not happened like this for many months, I can’t even remember the last time, which surprised me a bit.  Infidelity.  Ugh…

My husband has put in the hard work to repair us. Consequently, at this point, it would be truly disappointing if he would have sabotaged our progress by not divulging contact. He understood my emotions while at the same time was almost amused that I had spun this story in my head, believed it for two days and didn’t mention it to him. I reminded him it was the weekend and on Saturday, when we had some time alone I was waiting for him to confess. (Of course he had nothing to confess). He was a little annoyed on Sunday as he said he didn’t get why I was at him over seemingly nothing.  “Please just say something if it happens again and don’t let it build up.”

Unfortunately, when these triggers occur, it’s not always so easy to just put them aside. I told him I had been doing well, but once in a while it is really hard to dismiss the suspicions, even though the rational part of me knows deep down that they are unfounded…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Suspicions, Part 2…

First of all, my husband didn’t change the code on his phone as I thought he might after yesterday. I had briefly looked through the messages and didn’t have time to lock the phone.  He came over to the couch and the phone was lit and unlocked, so I grabbed a paper that was laying almost on top, with the phone, locked and laughed saying, ‘I got your phone.”  For a moment, I thought he might be suspicious of me, but he didn’t seem to be, so for now, everything is status quo.

I’ve gone through some of the skank’s social media posts that I could find and looked up the skank’s friend “Lisa”. The phone number is registered to a Lisa. Her last name and associated family members are not any client’s name I recognize, nor is it a name associated with the skank or her ex-husband’s family.  It’s quite possible that this Lisa is not associated with the skank and that my mind is just in overdrive. Lisa is a common name.

A repercussion of the affair are the questions we ask about things that would normally be inconsequential. Our minds sometimes create problems that are not always there. I remember in June, 2017, around 9 months post D-day and the day before I was moving to the beach with the kids.  I called my husband’s cell. He didn’t answer. I called the office, no answer. I texted. No response. I then called an hour later. Still no answer. I started stewing. I was certain he had snuck over to the skank’s house. At this point I didn’t even know just how often she had tried to contact him.  I contemplated driving to her house to ‘catch’ him. I pulled the cell phone record up online to see if her number was there. It wasn’t. Another half hour went by. I had worked myself into a frenzy. It was a Friday. Maybe I should drive by the restaurant where she sometimes waitressed.  I was out of my mind with suspicion. I was certain he was with her.  I packed up the car and decided I would take the kids to the beach right that moment.

As I was loading the car, he called. By then I was ripe for a fight and I lit into him for not answering the phone and quizzed him on where he was before saying, ‘fuck it, I don’t care where you were, I’m leaving for the beach.’  I hung up on him, but he arrived home before I left.

He had been at his parent’s house and had left his phone in the car. I actually did notice that shortly before he went there, his mother’s number was on the phone and they had had a bit of a conversation. She had some crisis going on and he went over to calm her down.

Could this number be just something else? Perhaps a client’s daughter? A client’s girlfriend or wife? A new client I don’t know? He occasionally reaches out to people for information for his cases.  Could this Lisa be someone who is returning a call?  I have been unable to link the name to anyone who has anything to do with the skank. Could I have just created something out of thin air?  Just because the timing is classic skank time, that could just be that this person is texting after dinner, right?

And yet it has seemed odd to me that the skank has not reached out since July. I find it hard to believe based on her past history, especially seeking my husband out when she has a problem.  I looked back at her profile picture from October, when she responded to a comment saying her kids were moving to Florida and leaving her all alone here.  The first text came in less than 2 weeks later.  Was she looking for sympathy from her ‘friend?’ She returned home from her vacation after New Years. The second text came in on the 11th. Coincidence? Perhaps.

I was thinking last night, how on earth do betrayed spouses deal with their spouse and the affair partner working together?  I am grateful that I don’t have to deal with that situation because my mind would be spinning on overtime, every day.  I can’t put a wall around my husband. I can’t stop her from phoning, texting or even showing up at his office. Ultimately, he is the one who is responsible for his actions. I have faith that he has no interest in her and is committed to our marriage and to me.

If this has no relation to the skank, he would not have told me. However, I can’t help but wonder if he has he fallen in his normal pattern of trying to not upset me.  Or is spinning this story in my head one of those unintended lingering ramifications of this infidelity nightmare?  Infidelity…the gift that keeps on giving…

Suspicions Are Rearing Their Ugly Heads Again…

 

To be clear, I don’t suspect my husband of contacting the skank nor any other woman. We have been doing really well and we spend an awful lot of time together, quality time.  However, my husband has always had the fault of keeping things from me in order to not stress me out. He has the ability to push things aside until he absolutely has to deal with them.  For example, if we were short of money to pay the utilities, he wouldn’t worry about it like I do, he’d just push it aside until the shut off notice came and then deal with it then. To be honest, I envy that about him, and it does make him successful in dealing with the curves life throws. This mentality is likewise a valuable asset to him in his work. I could never do his job. The only crack he ever showed was when my son was in the throes of his mental health issues, but for the most part, my husband is as cool as a cucumber, while I worry about almost everything. Because of this, during our entire 26 year history together, he has always kept troubling things to himself until he could figure out a resolution or absolutely could not keep it from me anymore.  This behavior has been partly motivated by “I didn’t want you to worry about it.”, in addition to him not wanting to ‘hear’ me repeatedly voice my worries to him before he actually had to deal with whatever issue it was.

As we have been moving forward, one of my biggest problems has been the skank contacting him.  Neither of us can control her actions, but I have asked my husband for transparency when she reaches out. He has been reluctant to 100% do so. Again, to be clear, he does not respond to her. He does not answer her calls or respond to her texts.  He just deletes her texts/calls and doesn’t always tell me.

I do get it. He knows how furious I am because of her refusal to chalk it up and go the fuck away. She was pretty much ghosted once he understood that there could absolutely be no contact if we were to move forward.  When I confronted her on Facebook, she said ‘you won’t let him talk to me.’, confirming to me that he was in fact being truthful to me of refusing to interact with her.  So in his mind, deleting a text and not mentioning it, is better for me.  And him…

I don’t ‘police’ my husband, but I would be lying if I said I don’t check the cell phone bill when the new bill comes in.  In October, a phone number came in with the first 3 digits of her number, but a different 4 last numbers. It was around 8:15pm (her general time frame of calling).  I told my husband a few days later that I had a dream she had called him and asked him flat out if she had been in contact. Her last contact was July and I told him she was due to try again.  He said no.

He had me text one of his clients while he was driving a few days later and I was able to casually stroll through the texts. That text had been deleted. He usually keeps client text threads on his phone.  However, I didn’t pursue it.

I was paying the cell bill on Friday and looked through the text log. That same number was there again, a few days earlier at 7:49pm, classic skank time.  There had been no contact from that number since October, fits perfectly with her pattern of every couple of months between 7 – 8:30pm.  I had the opportunity to check his phone.  Message deleted.  My radar is now beeping.  I googled and spy dialed the number. The voice mail has no greeting set up and the name I found does not ring any bells nor is on Facebook.  According to Google, it is a woman in her early 50’s. Is it a friend of the skank’s? A new number the skank had someone procure for her?  I spydialed the skank’s former number. Her number is now listed to someone else though the voice mail still says ‘Hi it’s Kim…’

So now I am relatively convinced that she’s either got a new number or an additional one. I can’t say anything to my husband right now because it will tip him off that I was checking up when I said I wouldn’t. I also almost got caught looking at the phone today when I thought the coast was clear but he unexpectedly came in.  So I have to try and play it cool for now.  The next time it shows up on our monthly bill, I’ll tell him I was checking Marc’s texts (which he knows I do) and I’ll flat out ask about it. But for now?  I’m stewing…

 

 

 

On The Other Hand…

Earlier this week, I wrote about the black spot infidelity has forever stamped on my marriage in my post ‘But…’.  Sometimes after writing a post, my mind starts thinking about another perspective, a devil’s advocate stance.  I began working on this post a couple of days ago.

Today I read Spouse of a Sex Addict’s recent post, How Do You Feel. I responded to her questions with some of what I’d begun writing:

  1. When you’re in his/her presence do you feel calm and accepting?
    • Or do you still struggle and how does that feel?
  2. For those further along in this path or those who don’t feel this way anymore:
    • If you felt the way I do, did it subside and how long did that take?

My response: In the beginning there was that hysterical bonding phase. In my story, we were both fed up with each and frankly I had been turned off by him for a while BEFORE the affair. After the affair, intimacy was better, but like Jack, when he wasn’t around, I would be more edgy, angry and I was also suspicious even when I knew it was unfounded.

During some incidences of trickle truth, I would be furious when he was around, but for the most part, after just over 2 years, things are pretty much back to normal, but I will admit that sometimes I think of them together

She then asked, And how do you feel when you sometimes think of them?

Me: Mixed feelings I guess. I try to put it out of my head and usually can. As I said, we came from pretty much hating each other. We were both turned off by each other and a step away from divorce. I had brought it up before and he had dismissed. If he said he wanted that, we would have been done. So at this point, I do accept my share of the marriage breakdown. While the affair should not have happened, it did. We both felt we were done, he acted on it. I see it as a weakness in character brought on by an extreme situation. I thought he was stronger than that. I was almost in the same situation and still not sure what I would have done. It helps me push past, but occasionally, it does still hurt and probably always will. However at this point, we have built a much stronger and more honest relationship. We really enjoy each other’s company again where we couldn’t stand being in the same room together a few years back.

As our relationship has evolved and grown over the past two years and as the anger subsided, I’ve looked at the situation as a whole and not just from a betrayed spouse standpoint.  Going back to 2014, we were beginning to hate each other. We did our own things, hanging out with our friends, not going out as a couple. While we interacted well as a family, we were miserable alone together. We misinterpreted everything, I felt he was always criticizing and belittling me, and in return I would argue and nitpick at everything. Months before the affair even started, I hated every moment he was in the house and he hated coming home.  I wasn’t sleeping more than 4 or 5 hours per night, waking up every morning at 5:20am with no alarm clock. My anxiety was through the roof.

I wrote of this ‘black spot’ on our marriage. But what if we kept on the route we were traveling upon? We had financial issues and couldn’t ‘afford’ to divorce.  He also didn’t want to divorce because of the kids.  I wrote in my previous post about what would be said in a eulogy when one of us eventually died. Well, what if there hadn’t been an affair? What if we continued to stay together, miserable and verbally abusing each other?  Those same words about being ‘true loves’, ‘going through good and bad times’ and the like would still ring false, even had he not cheated.

I wish he hadn’t had the affair. I wish he kept his vow to remain faithful.

Yet if he had stayed faithful, I don’t think our marriage would have survived. We would definitely not have the relationship we have now.  I believe he would never have cheated if we both hadn’t quit on each other. I also believe him when he says he didn’t go looking for it, the skank had initially called him for legal help and things went from there.  If I had gone out for drinks with my ex that same summer, I could have been tempted as well.

I hate that it took his affair to wake us both up.

But…

While I feel I’ve turned the corner of this infidelity highway, yesterday I was running errands and I began ruminating again about a chance meeting with the skank. She had been visiting her family for the holidays, but should be returning any day, if she already hasn’t.  Moisy’s latest post over at Making Things Better got me thinking as well.

What struck me about Moisy’s journal entry was her friend asking if she was sure her husband was right for her, if maybe she could be happy with someone else.  As Moisy stated, how do I keep staying if it is forever going to be tarnished…”  

This struck a chord with me as I have asked myself the same question. We have created a ‘new’ marriage. Communication is better, and frankly everything is better.   But. He. Cheated.

This fact will always be the black spot of our marriage. It will fade, but will never go away.

At this point in my journey, this line of thought surfaces when I know someone who lost a spouse after years of marriage. It’s happened with a couple of my friends parents over the past few months and even while watching a movie on occasion. You hear the eulogies on how committed they were, how they went through the good and bad times and still came out together. They speak of the long lives led as husband and wife, how they lived up to their vows, how they’ve been an example to their children on how to live their lives honorably and sacrifice for their families.

During those times, my mind wanders to what they’d say about my marriage when one of us goes first. “She was the love of his life” (then why did you cheat asshole). “He was a loving husband” (except for the 4 months he was fucking a skank whore). “They were married for (many) years and supported each other through the good times and the bad” (except for the really bad time when he fucked a whore rather than deal with his wife).

We will be married 19 years next month. Valentines Day is also next month. We always exchange cards. I can say that even now, with things almost back to ‘normal’, it has gotten harder to pick up an appropriate card when they say things like “…together we’ve built something to be proud of – a solid relationship…”  …”remembering the ups and downs we’ve weathered…”  …”the love of my life…’

And when I hear these eulogies, or read these words in cards, I struggle with the fact that I have a hard time swallowing the sincerity of them, Because. He. Cheated…

 

 

A Very Good Year?…

I feel different. It seems like it’s come on all at once, but deep down, I know it’s been a gradual process.  I am not suspicious all the time anymore, actually not very suspicious at all. I feel that most of the trust has been restored. I don’t feel any threat at all to my relationship with my husband although I do sometimes look at his phone when it rings.

Over two years has passed since I discovered his affair. The initial knee-jerk, I want to kill him and the skank reaction has long gone. Well, not so much kill them, but totally destroy them! Revenge. Make them suffer like they made me suffer. Don’t get me wrong, I still want her to suffer and in all likelihood, she’s probably miserable. From my now only occasional stalking, I know she’s none to pleased about both her sons moving to Florida. Since her mother lives in Arizona and her father, brother and sons live in Florida, the poor baby is all alone, living in her marital home all alone, while her ex-husband lives across the street and prances his steady girlfriend under her nose.  Boo hoo hoo…

She hasn’t contacted my husband since July.  That in itself also has contributed to my moving forward process. I was furious that she would continue to reach out, even though he would ignore her. Her absence has made a substantial difference.

My situation is a lot different than many with whom I’ve connected with on my blog and on Twitter in the past couple of years. Some have dealt/are dealing with sex addicts. Others have been in ‘happy’ marriages and blind sided by the affair(s).  In my case however, we had both checked out of our marriage emotionally. I maintain he shouldn’t have cheated, yet I empathize a tiny bit as I almost had a similar opportunity to stray myself with an ex-boyfriend.  I was supposed to meet ‘him’ for a drink that summer in 2016, only he got hurt at work and ended up having surgery. While I was at the beach we had begun to text each other and even had a lengthy phone conversation one night.  Had we met…I will never know. I’d like to think nothing would have happened, but in all honesty, I can’t be certain that would have been the case.

So here I am, a little over two years later after committing to rebuilding our marriage.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching, thinking and overthinking. I know I was a royal bitch, as much responsible for the demise of the marriage as my husband. My husband and I have spent hours of reflection and discussion on not only what led us there, but also on moving forward, transparency, rebuilding our communication, perceptions and interpretations of everything from major issues to daily aspects of life. We’ve become a team again from the hum drum aspects of everyday issues to major issues such as dealing with our son’s depression and anxiety. We’ve made time for date nights and time alone to nurture our relationship.  It’s been working.  I know I will never forget about the affair, yet I know he will always regret his lapse of character during that time as well.

I remember on New Year’s Eve, 2016, telling myself that 2017 would be a good year.  It really wasn’t. My son had some serious meltdowns, I continued to ride the infidelity rollercoaster and our finances were abysmal.  So on New Year’s Eve, 2017, I told myself that 2018 would be a better year.  And again, it wasn’t. We were drowning in debt and trying to maintain obscenely ridiculous payments for health insurance of over $2,200 per month. Our son was on his own mental health rollercoaster causing us constant concern. Our house went into foreclosure with the finances getting worse.  And that skank kept calling and texting my husband in spite of him having told her not to contact him. He kept ignoring her, but I was livid nonetheless.

This New Year’s Eve found us in upstate New York for the weekend, celebrating the new year with friends. It was a wonderful time, we stayed in a room at our friends’ small ‘hotel’. We ate at their restaurant where they cooked for the kids (allergy free).  We were invited to their small New Year’s Eve dinner with just a few friends, one of which was a private chef out of New York City who made an allergy free dessert for the kids.

So on New Year’s Eve, I said maybe 2019 will be our year. My husband has had some movement on some of his stagnant cases.  We were able to get health coverage through the affordable care act, dramatically reducing our insane premiums.  For the past 5 months, there has been no contact from the skank and to my delight, she’s wallowing in the disappointment of her sons’ move out of state.

I’ve always loved the coincidences of numbers and the theme of this year for me is 19. It began this past December 19 which was the anniversary of our engagement, 19 years ago. On February 19, 2019, we will be married 19 years.  So cheers to a turnaround after 2 rough years.  Don’t disappoint me 2019!

 

New Year, New You, blah, blah, blah…

2019.jpg

Every year, I’m guilty of declaring my resolutions; I’ll eat better, exercise more, take more control over my life but by the next week, it’s back to business as usual.  For now, I will enjoy the good intentions.

We were able to briefly get away for the weekend and decided to visit some friends way up in the country.  It had been a very hectic December and we were looking forward to a little R & R.  We stayed in one of the rooms in our friends’ small hotel/restaurant. On Saturday and Sunday, we lounged around and visited some of the other residents we’ve become friendly with over the years. Chilling in our room, we binge watched the first season of Schitt’s Creek on Netflix (hysterical) and ate like royalty in the restaurant on Friday and Saturday nights.  Our friends had originally hailed from Boston with one being quite a wonderful chef. Our meals were fit for royalty.

 

On Sunday, we spent a few hours at the main ‘hotel’ in town. It has 9 rooms! My husband and I had a couple of drinks at the small bar while catching up with the owners. A lively political discussion ensued with the boys and there was quite a bit of laughing and commentary on how the boys were so grown up. Our sons were 9 and 10 years old when we began visiting this town.

We were invited to a small New Year’s Eve dinner at our friends’ restaurant on Monday night. The restaurant was closed and there were ten of us for dinner, including a couple we just met this weekend and another couple we’ve known for a few years. Once seated, for over four hours everyone feasted on citrus salad, steak, seafood salad loaded with shrimp and lobster, veggies, potatoes and some decadent desserts. One of our new friends, who happens to be a personal chef, took it upon himself to make the boys allergy free brownies which were to die for! The conversation never stopped, with the time being 10:38pm before anyone even looked at a clock. Soon after, everyone went their separate ways to ring in the New Year.

We arrived home this afternoon. The kids have an additional day off tomorrow before returning to school on Thursday.

I am happy with how 2019 began…

And I wish all of you a happy, safe, prosperous and fun New Year.

xoxo Dolly