What to Do…

I started writing a post yesterday afternoon.  I was a little irritated with my husband as well as the skank. I had read the comments on Poking The Bear  including one that suggested I ask him to call her with me there and shut her down.  However, a comment from one of my Twitter family agreed with his perspective that ignoring is best. My husband believes she will never go away. He says it’s her personality and that she will continue to reach out to try and get him back.

He’s right. Trust me, I know you want to reach out in justification and righteousness…..but that just brings the drama back. Ignore it, it will eventually go away. You’re pulling the drama back by engaging. I was stuck in that cycle too for awhile.

‘Healing Soul’s’ comment gave me a bit of flexibility in my anger towards him for refusal of action.  I still do not agree with this.  It’s been 2 1/2 years since she’s received her walking papers.

So now I’ve been thinking about how to handle things. I can get to his phone at some point and block her number. But I don’t think I want to do that.  I want her to send another text. I will not instigate, but I will respond. I actually dreamt about it last night and have penned out a draft below.

D said you weren’t the brightest bulb, but I didn’t think you were this stupid. How long does he have to ignore you before you get the hint. It’s over. What happened happened. He told you not to call, not to text, not to come by. And for God’s sake, don’t have your mother stop by. Do you know how desperate and pathetic that looks?  Tell me, how is mommy dearest? Are she and C still swinging? D used to tell me about how she would talk about their adventures at the office.  I can see where you came from. It appears the skank doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When we went to your wedding, I got a kick at what a cunt you were to me. My husband and I felt bad for your husband to be as we both knew you offered to call off the wedding if my husband would go out with you. But he wanted me and told you to marry Stephen.  Poor Steve, he didn’t know you were settling to him, a meal ticket, because the one you ‘loved’ D, loved me.  And D brought me to your wedding. We were secretly laughing about it the whole time and got a great picture of us kissing.  Poor Stephen, he filed for divorce when you had been telling everyone, including my husband what a horrible husband he was; cheap, a lousy father and he only had a little dick.  Maybe his dick wasn’t that little, maybe it just felt that way because you let yourself turn into a fat slob.

It was so thoughtful of you to send that lovely music mix, ‘it’s a great year for music’.  When we played it and got to Swalla, my husband said, ‘why did she send that? She doesn’t swallow.’

The friendship is over Kimba. Reconciliation 101 states 2 main conditions regarding the AP (that’s you, affair partner) – No contact and full disclosure to the spouse. Every text, every call, every visit to the office. He tells me. I revel in your desperation. I enjoy how pathetic you are. You told my husband I’d never get over it, but you’re the one who hasn’t and that knowledge is so satisfying.  Seeing you wallow in your misery gives me immense pleasure. Seeing your inability to move on warms my heart.

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No more legal advice for you skank, hire C. F. for you personal injury needs. Call your white trash enabling friend Anna to set you up with an attorney from her office when your contractor is screwing you out of money. My husband is no longer on your retainer.

It’s been nice reminiscing, but as my husband is done with you, so am I – and the kids are as well. They know who you are and WHAT you are – herpes whore. You sent my husband a text saying ‘you said your wife was psycho, is this one of her moments?’ Fact is, my son saw your ‘like’ on my H’s FB page and said, ‘WTF is SHE doing here.’  No one in this family, including my husband wants anything to do with you.

Move the fuck on. Get a life you pathetic skank and stay out of our lives. No contact. No calls, no texts, no visits. Otherwise you will continue to give me the amusement of watching you suffer.  Karma baby. God is letting me watch…

 

I thought about the few words I texted Saturday night and perhaps it will scare her off for a bit. Hopefully she hasn’t blocked my number and I will have the opportunity to send this text.

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Poking The Bear…

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The skank texted my husband. First time since July 5, 2018.  In all honesty, I shouldn’t be surprised because I had actually been poking the bear.  I posted a few things on both Instagram and Facebook to see if she was still stalking my pages.  In a way I hoped for a reaction to my stirring of the pot. I wasn’t quite expecting my own reaction.

We were having a nice Saturday night out. Our friend was bartending and I was engage in a lively conversation with another couple at the bar while my husband was watching the last period of the Bruins game.  He went to use the men’s room when the text came in.  I immediately took a photo of the text as he was walking back and handed him the phone.

“Well, isn’t this interesting”, he commented uncomfortably.

No asshole, it’s not interesting.

I was pissed.  I didn’t want to make a scene so I kept my emotions sort of under control. Once we got in the car, I told him I should respond which is when he just about forbid me to do anything.  I told him he did what he did and he couldn’t tell me how to react or what to do or not do.  And he said something that he shouldn’t…”If you hadn’t done what you did, I never would have gone there.”

While he has taken responsibility for the most part for his actions, he can’t bear to admit his fault in totality for the affair.  When push comes to shove, he still blames me. And while I have admitted my share of the fault in the demise of the marriage, I fucking HATE the excuse that ‘if I didn’t do what I did, he never would have gone there.’  I felt the same way about our shitty marriage but I didn’t cheat.

That comment was all I needed.  After our heated conversation and his ‘suggestion’ I put a smile on my face for the kids, we walked into the house.  The boys wanted more food and we joked with them about our ‘date night’.  My son said, ‘how many drinks did you have?’. I said one drink and one wine. He laughed and said that was two drinks.  As I made them a huge wedge salad with left-over fresh baked bread from last night, I texted the skank back from my phone.

Will she text him back?  So far she hasn’t. She hasn’t responded to me either, although she is too chicken shit to do so.

And what the fuck is that grimacing face all about?  Fucking cunt.

It’s 12:3O am as I am writing this post.  I am so livid that I can’t get to sleep.  I just took a Xanax so hopefully it will kick in soon .  I poked the bear, so I do have to take some responsibility.

On another note, I got served today because of credit card debt. I have 20 days to respond and will have to file for bankruptcy. I had a pretty decent eBay business but when my mother in law became sick and my husband basically didn’t work to take care of her, I had to pay all the bills and let the credit card balance pile up.  I never recovered from that, nearly seven years ago although they made their money and then some from the interest I paid.

I had always said that I would never tolerate cheating.  If you cheat, you’re gone.  Yet when faced with that scenario, I stayed.  There were a lot of considerations taken in this decision.  I did realize I loved him. But maybe love isn’t always enough.  There were the kids and finances.  It’s almost 3 years later.  My older son is going to be a senior in high school.  I will have to file for bankruptcy, but then will be debt-free.  Maybe this stain of infidelity won’t wash away.  Maybe it can with the right attitudes and effort.  My husband makes a good effort, but his attitude sucks when the shit hits the fan. Don’t make excuses.  I accepted my responsibility for marital problems.  Accept yours.  Do NOT blame me for your affair with that skank.

We’ll see what the morning brings.  I have a few projects for this spring and once the bankruptcy is done I may have to re-evaluate the whole situation.  Maybe a fresh start is something to consider.

 

 

WTF is Wrong With Me (Probably Nothing Other That I am a Bitch)…

 

Infidelity sucks. The whole thing sucks. The actual infidelity which we didn’t know about. The D-Day. The triggers.

Many of you following my blog are betrayed spouses.  A few are the betrayers. We are all humans. Some of us royally fucked up. Some of us are bearing the brunt of the fuck ups. We all have our paths to navigate through this shit show of betrayal.

It is 2 1/2 years since D-Day and my husband and I are in a totally different place now. We’ve created a new relationship, a new marriage.  We still argue about stupid stuff and are still irritated by some of things we each do, but our communication is on another plane than before.  We are able to keep the little things from becoming big things.  We enjoy each other’s company and I notice my husband staying home after dinner more often than not rather than going back to the office to catch up at night.  He moans and groans that he needs to go back to do an hour or two of  work, but ends up cuddling on the couch with me and the boys, with us so comfy that we all fall asleep.

Regardless of the progress we’ve made, that herpes whore skank is still a thorn in my side. And yes, part of the reason is because I allow it. I can be obsessive at times and her mere existence just gets on my every last nerve. The fact that for two years after my husband told her not to call/text, she continued to call/text every month or so really pissed me off.  When my husband didn’t respond, she sent her mother by the office only he wasn’t in.  The skank was most likely in the car and that pisses me off. The fact that my husband wasn’t forthcoming at first to disclose contact in order to not rock the boat severely  pissed me off. The fact that she was behind the scenes for 25 fucking years pisses me off.    The fact that she enjoyed my pain pisses me off. Her existence pisses me off.  Yet the thought of her in misery, unhappy and alone guarantees a smile on my face. Seeing a picture of her looking as ugly as ever, also makes me smile.

Her absence has been nice, but suspicious. She hasn’t called, texted nor stopped by my husband’s office since July.  However I am sure she will reach out, perhaps when she feels she’s given him some time before trying to rekindle the friendship.

The trigger that got me started on her happened a few weeks ago, coming to fruition last night.  My husband has a small rental space in the front of his building which recently became vacated.  He had a few people interested in the space and wound up renting to a small business which carries pet items.  Skankipoo has a dog.  As soon as they committed to to the space, I immediately thought about the herpes whore stopping by the office with the excuse of checking out the store.

She recently changed her profile picture on Facebook.  She is so gross normally, but makes it worse by heavily filtering her photos.  The real photo or edited one are cringeworthy on both counts.  Many say to not look at the whores’ social media pages and that doing so is counterproductive to us.  After all, it was our spouses who made the choice to cheat.  We should be holding them accountable and not the sluts/whores/skanks they cheated with.  True, yet these lowlives who knew about the spouse and still participated in the cheating don’t get a free pass from me.  She knew he was married, wanted him from decades ago, and pursued him, ultimately taking advantage when he was at a weak point in our marriage. And that pisses me off.

Perhaps staying off these skanks’ social media is a good idea.  But I realized that it wasn’t true for me.  I looked deeper into my motives yesterday, which led me to the discovery that I look to revel in her misery.  Yes, I am a royal bitch. I want to see her suffer.  To be clear, I can’t see her posts. She locked down her Facebook two years ago, changing her public settings to just friends.  However, I am able to see comments/likes on some of her friends’ and family’s posts. From these, I can see a pretty unhappy person.

For example, her kids both moved to Florida before the holidays. She was none too pleased according to a short conversation with a friend when he left a comment on her profile picture. All her family was there, she was the last one here. (So move, skank). Her ‘best friend’, trailer park trash Anna, tagged her on an article regarding how strong women would rather be alone than with an asshole. Poor Kimba. She must have been commiserating that she was still alone.  Perhaps she’s alone cuz no one wants to be with her drunken, high, fat, ugly ass.  I was amused to note that after unfriending her ex-husband when the divorce started, she has now re-friended him and frequently comments on his posts. Maybe she’s having second thoughts?  They ‘babysit’ each other’s dogs, how sweet.  He was such a monster according to the sob stories she fed to my husband, yet here they are, looking mighty friendly. And did I mention they live across the street from each other? Could there be some regrets about giving up her meal ticket? The skank is a 53 year old alcoholic pothead with several mental health conditions and no job. While she got her house and some money in the divorce settlement, it is not nearly enough to take her through retirement.

This afternoon, after an enjoyable morning spent with my husband after having drinks with his new tenants last night, I mentioned to him the high probability of her using that business as an excuse to drop by.  He couldn’t believe I thought about that saying that is about the last thing in the world he would have thought of.  He also said he understood how it could be on my radar.  We spoke a bit about her contact or rather lack of contact. He assured me again that she hasn’t tried, even saying maybe that last exchange (initiated with that DJ’s song mix she texted him) scared her off.  After all, she thinks I’m a psycho… 😈😂😉😘

 

 

 

Tomorrow’s Our Anniversary…

Our anniversary is actually not much of a trigger for me.  I’ve written many times that our marriage was pretty much in the shitter for a few years prior to my husband’s affair. I read many of stories about how some that reconciled got new rings or renewed their vows.  But me?  I put my ring back on.

Things were bad with us and I was the one who stopped wearing my ring. To be clear, I never wore it while riding my bike or doing any kind of physical work because my fingers would swell, especially in the summer.  But then I got in the habit of just not wearing it all. I didn’t feel married and in reality, I was planning my get-away, feeling out job opportunities, considering renting a house permanently at the beach, starting an online business or just faking it until the kids graduated high school.  The only time I would wear my ring was when my husband and I were out, usually with the kids. We always had good family times, but throughout those few bad years, we were horrible as a couple.

Tomorrow on February 19, 2019 we will be married 19 years.  I was planning on making a nice dinner at home and we were thinking of opening a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne that a friend of my husband’s gave us for Christmas a couple of years back.  However, some work issues cropped up this weekend and my husband had an unexpected kink that he has to deal with tomorrow.  I’m thinking our celebration may end up being postponed a couple of days.

The only infidelity issue I have with our anniversary is a card. We’ve always exchanged cards though now I search a little more harder. I am more discerning as I can’t in good conscience give a card with words that I find insincere. The ones that say how he’s always been there through the good and the bad… Well, we know that’s not exactly true.

But at the end of the day, we’ve both put a lot of effort into rebuilding our marriage and I can’t image not having him by my side. He expresses the same sentiments and I believe his sincerity.

So tomorrow I guess we’ll just go with the flow, do what he needs to get his work done and play dinner by ear…

What’s On TV?…

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Netflix is my latest addiction as I wrote in my last post.  While having my hair colored in December, my stylist told me about a show on Netflix that I ‘must’ see called Schitt’s Creek.  With its fabulous ensemble, this comedy of from riches to rags is right up my alley.  Four seasons are currently on Netflix while the 5th season is airing in Canada currently. Can’t wait to see for Season 5 to come out here.

I also watched You, a psychological thriller about a stalker.  I watched the first three out of ten episodes on a Friday night while the kids visited their grandparents, and the rest the next day while my son was at an academic tournament and the other was working on a homework essay.  This show sucked me in right from the previews. Heart pounding, suspenseful and not quite as predictable as you may imagine.

Grace & Frankie is delightful, boasting another all star cast including Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston. While it does deal with infidelity, both Grace & Frankie became divorced because their husbands were cheating with each other, I thoroughly enjoyed the performances of the core cast as well as others who cameo’d in the series.

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In the 80’s, I read Ann Rule’s book on Ted Bundy so when the Netflix series Conversations with a Killer was released at the end of January, I watched that one too.

Russian Doll popped up as a suggested watch after just being recently released on February 1.  I watched the preview and decided to give it a shot, proceeding to watch the entire series one day while the kids were in school.  The plot is similar to Groundhog Day in that Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) keeps dying.  She needs to find out why and the show keeps you riveted until the end.  I LOVED this show.  It’s a quick fix, and if you haven’t seen it, give it a shot!

I’m currently immersed in Dexter and am into the middle of season 3.  I laugh at Deb’s foul mouth, she’s as bad as I am!

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The other show I’ve been binging is Arrested Development, only nearing the end of season 1 so far.  I never watched either show during their prime time stints because I couldn’t always catch up, but with Netflix, I can watch when I want or am able.

Wentworth, The Crown, Orange is the New Black, and Weeds are a few that I know are popular, yet I tried watching all of them all (except Wentworth) and was not impressed.  In spite of loving Natasha Lyonne’s performance in Russian Doll, I was not able to get involved in Orange is the New Black. Maybe I will give it another try sometime.

So what are you watching?

 

My Name is Dolly and I’m An Addict…

 

 

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I never understood addiction until now. The urgency, urges. Frustration growing until the fix is obtained. Waiting until no one is around to indulge. Times when you just can’t wait. The kids are in their room doing homework and you contemplate to wait or do you cheat?  You pace a bit, then say fuck it, pour a glass a wine and switch the mode from cable to Netflix.

Netflix. How on earth did I exist without it?

Actually, I have never been a huge TV fan. I am impatient by nature and cliffhangers always pissed me off.  In the 80’s I used to be hooked by Dallas, Dynasty and Knots Landing.  Then there was Ally McBeal and The Practice.  Desperate Housewives was great and more recently I watched Once Upon a Time (until I fell behind) and Lucifer until Fox cancelled it.  I never watched shows like the Sopranos, Breaking Bad, Madmen etc. I could never guarantee I would even have the time when it came on and I hate waiting for episodes. I just ditched TV altogether.

In my house, my husband and sons are news freaks. National news, PBS news, CNN, NECN, etc.  The boys love politics and are more up on current events than most adults.  If news is not on, they are listening to music and doing homework. My husband is watching ESPN or the like once the news cycles are completed.  He refuses to cut cable because of the sports and news. He likes to surf the channels. The living room TV is on 24/7, predominantly on a news channel.  Background noise. Not even being watched.

I don’t sit and watch TV. I’m usually in and out doing errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry.  I handle his secretarial work and when I change the channel, it’s usually one of the 80’s music channels.

Until last month.

We spent New Year’s in upstate NY visiting some friends.  They don’t have cable, they have Apple TV.  My hairdresser recommended a comedy on Netflix. Since Netflix was part of our friend’s Apple TV,  I tuned in to Netflix.  And was hooked.

I cook a lot more. (I can see the TV from the kitchen). I keep caught up on my laundry. (I can fold the clothes on the couch). But I have been on social media less which is probably a good thing.  So if you’ve seen me less on Twitter, it’s because I’m cooking, doing laundry and binge watching something.

I don’t wait to watch episodes of a show. I don’t care if my husband is behind on episodes, although in all honesty, he’s still mostly about his news and sports. I don’t get hung up on idiotic cliffhangers.  My laundry is done, my kids are eating like little kings, and I will even get to sit for a bit to watch TV…

 

The Truth Will Set You Free?…

 

Chris at Walking the Journey wrote I Went Digging. I Shouldn’t Have. I read her post several times over the past two days, along with the comments.

Her post gave me pause and brought me back to ten months or so ago when that skank reached out and my husband didn’t tell me as he promised.  After the subsequent screaming calm, rational discussion that ensued, he finally understood why he needed to disclose contact from her to me.

Chris’ post was about digging up more information going back to during her husband’s affair.  I did that many times in that first year, and six months into the second.  We’d talk but I’d have the nagging suspicion that he wasn’t being completely honest so I’d dig some more. I’d go back to the phone logs and Find My Phone screenshots.  When I found an inconsistency, he’d reluctantly come clean and we were back to square one.  Reflecting on Chris’ post, I realized that once I believed my husband finally told the truth, I backed off searching for something new (for the most part).  Yes, I still check on the phone records, but only occasionally rather than every evening. I still will peek at incoming calls on his phone, but only occasionally, as he will answer when I ask who it is. I haven’t looked at his credit card bills during the affair. I am quite sure I would find receipts for more restaurants than he admitted. At this point, however, I don’t feel the need to do so.  I know they went out, but he laid out the time frame, and confessed to some of the places they went so those more specific details are just not something I feel I need to know now.

In order for me to have gotten here, questions needed to be answered. When parts of the narrative didn’t make sense, progress was halted over the overwhelming need to expose the missing piece in order to process and move forward. Those missing puzzle pieces held us back and my nagging suspicions were usually worse than the reality, however discovering the lies only set us back.

Chris hasn’t gotten the same level of disclosure from her husband as I received from mine. Her not being able to connect all of the dots only intensifies the need to find the missing pieces.  She sought out older information from during the affair in an attempt to piece together another part of the story.  Further inspection would reveal more details.  It was the same for me and my husband for the first 18 months.  He would talk to me but would still be defensive when I would inquire about details.  He’d want to end the conversation quickly.  For him, the high morality guy, screwing the skank hit an all time low for him.  He wanted to forget it. We’ve finally reached the point where we can discuss things without my anger and his pride getting in the middle.

During June through September of 2016, my husband took his 30 year friendship with that CUNT, the herpes whore skank to a physical affair.  I know for a fact (and verified via a neighbor), that he did NOT bring that slut into my house. I know he had oral sex and intercourse with her although for the first fucking year he adamantly denied it. I know he took her out several times. My Find My Phone app even put them at a local restaurant together.  I know of a few of the places he took her out when he finally disclosed them out of anger during an argument.  I demanded to know because I didn’t want to go there. I know he met a couple of her trailer park trash friends, one of which, another CUNT named Anna, was one who encouraged the affair.

While my husband kept the affair to himself, the skank was happily broadcasting it to her inner circle, including her mother, who supported her. Fucking enablers and not true friends in my opinion. And her mother, the swinger who boasted about all the ‘couples’ she and ‘Cliffie’ fucked at work…The skank didn’t fall far from that tree…

In February, 2017, my husband told the skank that the friendship was over and that she was not to contact him any more. He said he was rebuilding his marriage and they were done.  She kept texting him.  Naively, I believed that was that until we had a huge argument in June, which resulted in me texting the skank and starting our short but not sweet Facebook war. Then in July, my husband had skin cancer surgery and while monitoring his phone for work-related calls, I saw a text from the skank come in on another number. I became hypervigilant and caught others, once by actually seeing the call ringing on his phone, other times by seeing the occasional text.  I was furious, he wasn’t coming clean and wouldn’t show me the texts, only saying she was upset about him ending the friendship, she needed legal advice, or she tried ‘small talk’ to open the door of communication.  His lack of transparency only got me more manic and determined to find out what I wanted to know. When I finally had the opportunity to see the texts, I discovered that yes, he was honest about the context of them.  Verifying his honesty was a prerequisite for me in the process of rebuilding trust. His transparency propelled us forward in our reconciliation efforts.

Unlike Chris’ husband, mine didn’t talk about me disrespectfully to his friends or even to the skank.  In one of the texts, she said “you told me your wife can be psycho’. (true). But he said he never spoke badly of me, even when things were bad. I believe that is true and nothing in their texts indicated anything else other than him calling me psycho. He said our neighbor ‘Ryan’ didn’t know about the affair and if anyone would know, Ryan would.  I asked Ryan shortly after I filed for divorce if he knew my husband was screwing around. I also asked if he brought her to my house. Ryan said no.

My husband also said he never told any of his friends. I figured he would have told ‘John’, who is a close friend and regularly cheats on his wife. (She also cheats on him.)  He said he didn’t tell John, and that he didn’t tell anyone.  I actually believe him, because disclosing an affair would crush that Mr. Moral persona he loves to proudly display.

I didn’t comment on Chris’ post.  I honestly didn’t know what to say. I feel her frustration. I know very well how our husbands’ defensiveness feeds our need to dig.  If her husband is defensive because of his guilt, I hope he can put it aside and give her the honesty and transparency she needs to move forward and begin to rebuild trust. They will be then be able to move forward together. If not, she will have to do what she feels is right for her growth, either with him, or without him.  In order to successfully reconcile from the devastating betrayal of infidelity, no less than complete effort must be put forth by both the betrayer and the betrayed…